Today's fortune: Choose to experience peace rather than conflict

Wednesday 23rd Dec 2009 2:00 pm NLO Lab




Its the last month of this year ! I don't feel anything special..just said. On second thoughts, heyy, its DECEMBER. I love December usually. I love Christmas. But, its my first christmas away from home...so, the fact whether Dec is still my av month is put into perspective...n I dunno what to say, ..well, here goes..I am going through a bad time. I don't like it. I feel tensed out about gre(its next tuesday by the way) , and I can'teven study. Yesterday was Sommanna's gre and he got a 1290 score.I never cross a 1200 and I feel down. I want to perform well...that's one basic instinct I have.And I want to perform well for this for an additional reason that UC payed for my gre fees . He ain't rich...he's got a family to support now. So, when my bro is doing such a good deed for me, a way to repay him back is by performing well. But, I don't know! I can never score above 700 for math or above 550 for eng!! And when I was so stressed I get solace too, from sources least expected. Ligi called me n then again sent me a msg which goes " BE Christ oriented than being task or people oriented. The core of our life must be to glorify Jesus. So ask urself "Is Christ being glorified in me and through what I am doing?" God, do help!!

Been here at B'lore for 22 days now. And its now that I am starting to feel lonely and miserable. :( hmm..guess it will pass....Jesus , help me to be calmmmmmmmm

Sweet November :)

Monday, Nov 2nd, 8:30 pm, Paradise Lost

Today was the "Day of remembrance of Souls". There was holy mass by Rev.Bishop Thomas Chakkiyath, at the cemetary. Iyya had decorated both Pappachi's and mammachi's grave with orange roses and jasmine. Of course, Mammachi got double the roses than Pappachi did. Well, of course , she would win over....anywhere.....in heaven too, I hope:) She is simply a darling. . .

The mass was followed by oppeez inside the cemetary , at the pieta. en route from pappachi to Mammachi's grave, amms n I met Renju..I told of his coming earlier itself to ma..so that when he was near ,amma called out, and made him jump :D . Afterwards, was the benediction of the new hall, and a light morning snack. Pappa was talking to an uncle from railways who told he will make everything about my ticekt to B'lore ready. Cool...Then, renju's pappa came and talked to pappa....he passes by our home everyday, it seems.......So, I was listening to thier talk...when I saw renju a distance away...and with him a tal and lank guy.To say my heart was in my mouth would be an understatement..I was damn affected. I went back to ma...and within me was conflicting over "whether to go n meet him or not" Finally, I went! Damn! The blow was unfortunate..coz, I found I couldn't talk to him...Whatever puffs I has eaten had constricted my throat. I felt like an ass...I waved and reached them...he was surprised, I can say that for sure. And he asked me, "who are you with"...and I counted with my fingers, I counted off wth my fingers( can u belive the absurdity of it??) and said pappa , amma and me.....Then I just acknowledged Renju....He was surprised...asked me "u kno him?"....Renju thankfully told 'how'..and then, he teased saying..'i thot he studied together with you sometime'...Well, guess I could have talked more....but I needed a drink desperately...my throat..I told ya...was blocked...embarrassing...sheesh..I felt so let down of myself.....I went over and gave amma company..but she left for kathi sooon after. (Sigh)...So, I went over to pappa , who was talking to (I later found out who he was) Kadavan Sir(mun Panchayat President and Prof of chemistry) . Both of them didn't mind me one hoot...I was standing there lost, when Abigail Ann chechi tapped from behind.Surprise!! Never knew a cemetary coud prove to be so happening. She is an online advisor in Univ of Wales.


Well, I got around to the centre of all talk later on..thankfully...There was one bright moment in between. We exchenged a smile...over a distance. But oops, I saw his mom (I think) glance at me..so I didnt dare to look again...And we left with Kadavan Sir along with us. And he said a variety of stuff..all hilarious..I wasn't that concentrating...anyways, one time he told..the greatest mass is matrimony..U kno! And then he said, if ur girl , looks at boy, I won't scold her..( and I was thinking..how did he kno? Coz see, all the while , after noticing him, my mind was so full of him) .Anyways, kadavan sir gave a fancy pineapple plant...and we came home.

He was online....I had signed in since, pappa had already turned it on. He bantered about me living online ...and being online sooo fast! Told me to get a laptop so that I can be online 24/7. I told him to buy me one..he agreed....that's what I don't understand...WHATEVER!!!!

Bottomline: Don't read in between the lines...Let bygones be bygones!!!! Phew....

Vega of the Lyre

"I can't find the words to tell you what I'm feeling"...Ronan Keating

I feel wretched. Today, I finished "Emily's Quest"...I lived her part over and over again at the rejection and humiliation. I feel very miserable now! I must be crazy! But its true.....Its like this..."love" in my life was one of my most cherished dreams......I always feel I have no ambition or aim in my life...if I had anything remotely close to an aim..it is I want to get married to a man I love and who loves me( the latter part complementing the former seems impossible now)..I want to have a family...

I belive in love..I envy Du n Rpr...I am so sure of thier love amidst all thier fights...I can feel it, and it is beautiful...

But what is happening to me is stifling me...making me deviod of any hope ....making me bitter at life..making me to want to feel like rock,unfeeling....making me bad! And I sit here, crying my eyes out over this trifling thing...but its like my heart is broken...to pieces....I guess am well off being alone.

Sorry for letting myself down God...I might recooperate.....I dunno..

Sorry for having less faith in you....sometimes the going gets tough..and I am sorry..I am not very tought either ...

Today's fortune: The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think

Friday, 29th Oct 09, Paradise Lost, 9:30 am

I am a fool. . .

You know I get depressed fast. I havent slipped into that tendency for a long time now....which I consider to be incredible! But helloooo who am I kidding..I lost my nerve yesterday. Outwardly I was doing great...but you know about "squirming within"..Its not a good feeling.

Just because the wrong guy stalks me , does that mean I am darn hopeless?? I certaintly feel so. Joph liking me boosted my morale so wonderfully..I felt on could No: 9 . I felt honoured. But this !!! God, I know I am not pretty..but I thought above that perhaps my personality will stand out ( as if that is gr8) ..anyway, this is horrible...that guy is dogged.......What he's doing makes me feel like I am a failure... a miserable failure....whatever confidence I had in myself( you know how scarce it is!) is waning drastically...

On top of that, I think I in turn stalk others....but just in the background. To compensate for the ill effects in life, I reciprocate in the same way to others. That's why I feel myself to be an utter foooool......abt Thom...I am a fool. I was reading Emily's quest yesterday...and with her I lived the rejection ...Its ..i dunno how to explain..it makes your heart heavy..It makes me cry out 'why'?

hmm...I think this feeling will pass , like always...its in the nature of ppl to do so, right? I am no different......

I lift my eyes to the sky.....

Where does my help come from...

I see the beauty reflected high up...

and enjoy the serenity that then prevails..

The salt of life!!!

I came to write my heart out......well, it all depends where my thoughts take me ...

Yesterday was the last proper day at celos. I don't know what to feel. We all feel ok on the surface...it still the laughs and enjoyment that predominates. Yesterday, we stayed on till 5:45...well, I had to leave then for rosary at church. But the thing is, what I felt was that I didn't want to leave. I wanted it to last. We weren't especially enjoying it very much or anything. But there is a comradeship in just staying together.

On my way back, I was remembering each n everyone in my class.. how the 20 of us came close enough to be close. I may not be as close as some, but I do have my share of involvement in things....and its wonderful...a heady feeling.

John, ( us slang . lavatory hehe ) well, he's one in a million. I would say he is the one person who has changed tremendously over the 5 years. From , what I thought as nothing, he rose to a height of acceptance that is unbelievavble...and he doesn't take any crap from anyone. Totally awesome! And yesterday, he was posed with a marigold to give to Nisha...only she never turned up! And yesterday, for the first time, and on the last day, he came adorned in mundu....he sayd it as his " look"...And we had a photo session , where he wanted his mundu's kara to make an appearence...and what else,oh yea.........avan mundu pokki kanichu athrea..in hostel.....whtever!!! What I'd like to remember the best...is the transformation in his face..if u smile at him unwaveringly...coz u see....he starts with a mockery and contempt on his face...but it is transformed slowly into a real smile , a genuine smile. That's what I like the best about him. And he's got a nicee smile :D.

Today's fortune: Our strength grows out of our weaknesses

Wednesday , 30th September 2009 , 7:40 pm , Paradise Lost


A dastard is stalking me...and the result being that I hate 'myself'......I havent done anything wrong....except get angry with that guy, and i have all rights to be! But I had no right to lose my temper like I did today....n flare at my friends.....They might have provoked me...but how is it thier fault...how could they have known that I was about to burst??

I broke a test tube today. I picked up the pieces with equal calm. Thay dumb guy being our 'sir' came over to ask what happened and Sandeep duly answered. And he hust choried me. I dont mind anything that Sandeep says...it just that I was so fed up with reading all the crap mails...and wanted to thrash that "sir" so much...that even a mere mention had me boiling...Then , I said something similar about him....to whoever that was there..Sandeep was like "Okay...what happened?"...But Yedhu came..he knows everything....maybe he doesnt know how much disturbed I am...I dont blame him...why should he kno...he is this "sir's " frnd know!! ....He smiled his mocking smile.....maybe he didnt mean it to be mocking....but it hurt..I felt like....Wow...what friends I have...real cooperative"....And then he said something...I dont even remember..and I all I remember is my eyes started tearing..anger gripped me from head to toe that I started shivering...and I wanted to vent it out somehwr...all the anger and hatred and disgust...that I took a piece of glass from among the broken test tube and broke it by squeexing it with my hand....Well, I inflicted cuts in my hand..one of which is a bit deep, and bled a lot. To repay for my short temper...to repay for "my" faults..... I was just venting my sadness Lord! I know I am self inflincting...but I've never been so much. That man is ruining my peace....I missed Priyamvada sooo much. There was nobody who understood me...no body!!! I felt so alone...n sooo sad...and still do!!!

Mercy on me God..pls have mercy on me..
I am a lunatic..I am not fit to be wandering out...I feel wretched ...i feel bleak...I feel lost

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

Saturday , 19th September 2009, 10:15 pm, Paradise Lost

"""Practise compassion""" ...all the way through! Today, Nishant asked me to name the person I hate in Celos. I was ready with an answer...but stopped at the nick of time and asked "In Celos or ISP?". He said , " I know whom you hate in ISP, just name in Celos". I tried , I cound't get anybody....I get slights from people , and have grudges as well...but nothing has been longlasting. I am pleasant with everybody..and according to me that's my drawback.I am friendly but don't excatly get them as friends. As to why that should bother me when I have a good no: of genuine frnds I don't kno! Guess it is my immaturity! So, anyways, Nishant found that as a problem with me ...I even like Abhishek!!! heheh(But then, I do totally like him) And , when Nishant told all this, I did get the effect of being complimented. :) Dear God, its been ages since I've talked to you properly, and this is totally out of the blue.....but I want to tell you "Thank You". I might after all find some hope regarding myself, instead of the introvert , hopeless and incapable thing I consider myself to be!!!

Perhaps God, I will be able to clear the GRE! Perhaps I will get admission in US. Perhaps, even in Cornell, in Gaeta's Lab. God, it all seem a luxury to be even thinking so..and something regarding so much hard work in so little time. But God, it is so possible isn't it..You will help me!

Today, Pappa and I had a long talk. Pappa saw the movie Kurukshetra today. And the talk started during supper time , when he started telling me the parts of the story he liked best. (I didnt see..I was upstairs, lidtening to Chiggy-wiggy from blue instead of studying ...). About the reality protrayed in the movie. About death. About realities in life in general.......he found one of the songs to be heat wrenching...the context being , a wife who comes to the loc to join her husband has to do as the first duty of hers, to sign his death certificate. I asked Pappa if he cried. he admitted to crying. I respect him :) But then , we never had to hide that much.

Oh God , how much you have raised my Pappa from what he used to be. How much you have looked after all of us, I am soo thankful. Uc and Sumi C in CAL, Mc in Hong Kong, Amma visiting Switzerland....and all of us happy as can be! At peace! What more cam we ask. Thank you sooo much.

Tomorrow is Sou's kalyana nishchayam. I am also going with Pappa to Kizhakambalam. All best wishes to Sou and Mr Sou.

Today's fortune: Well-timed silence has more eloquence than speech

Tuesday 2nd June 2009 3:00pm CC, Tifr

Before this "well-timed " silence can be attained, I wonder as to how I can maintain "silence" just for the heck of maintaining silence?!

Hello! I am at present in TIFR, Mumbai. To be precise, I am typing this away at the Computer Centre here. Using the computer on my left is Priyamvada V the gr8...the one on my right is used by another VSRP 09 student, whose name, I think is Bhaarti.

So...ask me how life is goin! I'll answer anyway. Life's gr8, if I look at mine as an outsider. But, frankly speaking, I find going a bit tough. I get depressed a bit sometimes. Ha....knowing me its nothing unexpected. But, u kno , I would like to sit and get more n more depressed as time goes by (sometimes I find it refreshing,...yea yea, I know..its crazy but still), the problem is that I just don't get the time for it. heheh

Wednesday 3rd June 09 6:20pm CC, tifr

I gave my "talk" today......on Optical Traps. It was plain bull shit. I shouldn't be using that word considering as to how today morning Gops and I took the resolution not to use any "theris". But hell be!! The talk a BIG TIME Virivu! I had some starting problems....I stood in front of the board ; picked on the marker.......and well, showed my teeth sample with y usual grin....argh!!! Sir was cool k...Since, I didn't start straight on.....DM said I need to be introduced, and Aditya sir did just that...and they all clapped. Well, then again I didn't start.....that DM started clapping again. :) Gr8 na!! Well, then after that ...I did start...but stopped soon when questions dealing "Why size of dielectric is important, and why is a laser used in trapping " was asked. I stood there, totally viriyalsfied...and hehe .....smiled...but it seemed to have no effect whatsoever on them. Well, it got untangled later on....yea, more or less. I had trouble with condenser lenses and magnetic field in light....otherwise, it was actually fun. That Rajagara sir looks like a poocha..but he asks all the kidilan changukalakkaling questions....Anyways, it was an EXPERIENCE!!!

Well, moving on.....Lets tackle Jenu. That guy is nuts. Never does he speak 3 words properly...Its as if he's always trying to find out some inner stuff about something. Oh yes!! He's rich in knowledge..but but yaar...Well, today, we were talking...we never complete even quarters about what we are talking...he jumps to something else real soon. Like, today, in between what we were saying..he told about a B'day party he had gone for yest, and he had a cocktail "Fire on the Ass" ...he remembers having drunk that, and no more afterwards. The tea was a bad idea..and waht else, that's why he's like that.I questioned something or the other!! He said," You said I am weird today "....As if that's a relevant answer. haha..I told him that he's weird at all times...he said sorry under his breath..I heard him! Whatever be, sometimes, I feel like crushing him to pieces. I had also tried to talk as if knowledgably about cocktails, "bloody mary " (I wanted to mention sex on the beach bt anyways) ,and he said some dialogue..which is supposed to mean "valiya aalannennu havikkalle"!!! Okay...I had it coming....I shouldn't have done that...

Ok now I'm in the right mood, the mood of hating myself..Jenu has that effect on me ...gr8 na!! But anyways, if I learn from my mistakes, I will only collapse more n more to myself..and destroyyyyyyyyyyy ...u know how pathetic I used to be na!!!

I talked to Rishad today.....It was nice....:) Showed him the mails from mathew...the possible outcomes from calling a person bastard!! If I'd called Rishad that, he'd have slapped me. If u get a slap...then no matter how much ever slaps u give after that..its no use since the first is the significant... Then among other info I got from him, muslims can marry four times :) It was an interesting talk....

ok.....me signing off for today.........

bbyeee

Today's fortune: Choose to experience peace rather than conflict

When you are in darkness and desperate for a trace of light...the time comes when you start losing hope. Well, I was just saying a fact. Nothing else. I am not in dark. I can see, clearly, as much as much specs allow me. :D Well, my inner self is not clouded either. Well, not that much. But I am under a strain put upon me ,not by my fault but by the stupidity of a spineless moron who fancies himself to be in love with me! I don't kno how far I can go without losing my control, and spitting at him or slapping him. I have told him off three times, during the past 1 month. 3 times!! And this disturbance did not start 1 month back...it started , like 6 months back! I don't boast of being bold, or strong or anything..I have my own problems.I hate to confront things. But, I cannot put up with nonsense. I despise him. I seemingly act strong, when I am totally miserable at being stalked so. I wish I could tell somebody. I've told my friends, everytime before...but now, I feel reluctant..they are my great friends...but I kinda get this feeling 'what can they do'! But I also know that eventually, I'll turn to them for help..and they'll do so without any hesitation ..

He tried to talk to me directly, at first. And he had no nerve to do it. Now, he sends mails. He send me a mail....telling that all is over! And, he uses God to blackmail me. My rage has no boundaries...I hate people who uses God as leverage. I may not be very close to God, but I do respect my God enough; than be blackmailed . About half an hour after he send the mail saying "he wil not disturb me again, that all's over"...he sends me another ..saying that he needs a reply by mail..and "you should not let your anger remain after sundown'...is he out of his bloody mind! And, what's more..he is stupid. .. it was already hours past sunset. Then , today, I get another mail...saying well, in short that "he still doesn't have it over"...I felt like wanting to kill him...Fortunately, I wasn't too well today, wasn't too healthy to stage the next round of attacks. I don't know what to do. I didnot say it to my friends, since, I am being humiliated time and again. I can't stand it. I can't tell my parents. I have thought considerably about telling my brother MC. But hell! I need to learn how to live my life the way I want it..and how to cope up with the damned obstacles on the way. And I am going to do so.... but God, I feel so uncomfortable...help me!

Today's fortune: Do not fear going forward slowly; fear only to stand still

Sunday 8th February 9:55 am @ Paradise Lost

Sometimes, you start a day with complete enthusiasm ; then something crops up to leave you numbed. And, for me that needn't be any disatrous reason. I can droop like a touch-me - not in a matter of a few moments. I have a filthy emotional streak where "I" am concerned...I get too touchy about myself....And, I don't get atall emotional over others....What a girl I am!!!

I talked to JC yesterday. It was all based on intuition. This is the 3rd ime I am calling , and the zeroth time that he is! Yesterday, I made the decision never to call him ever again. So there!!!! You see , what happened yesterday was that , I felt wretched after the call got cut( my phone's balance got over)...then tat dude didn't even give a backward glance( if u know wat I mean)...not even a message...I don't care if he was tired..went for shopping the entire day, he did! So what! Yeah yeah..I know the problem is with me..I expect too much , from a nobody ...

I had gone to meet Asha aunty...I had a nice time. We talked about Rubina. She is now staying in an apartment in her college, with a friend(she gets along very well with). Ruby now cooks, and cleans...n what not! She is infected with a virus(sounded like 'mono' to me) , due to too much stress, and lack of sleep. I wish got mono, atleast a bit ...here, I am infected with laziness to a tumult that is unacceptable. Well, after Ruby graduates, she plans on working somewhere ( her institution big guns have promised to give her recommendation...) for 6 months, during which she will think about what to do next. She and 3 of her gf's will share an apartment. Asha was very nostalgically referring to her being 21 this month. "She is becoming 'legal' , like she was illegal all this time :) "

Ruby's grama was hospitalized due to bleeding of ulcer in the stomach; the ulcer formed due to the medicines she has to take for her heart. What a trial! If things turn out like this, how can a person live.

Ashaunty gave me books. I asked for some different books. I can sure depend on her , you know, coz, I got really different set of 5 different books. I already finished "To kill a mockingbird"....She said , I am not literate till I read that book. So, my dears, See the literate Me for yourself. Well, I really realy liked that book. A beautiful story...with wonderful characters. I promise. I am thinking of studying that book.......I mean, word by word. I really need to improve my english. My language is going to the gutters...and I just don't like it.

Am thinking of atarting on "The longitude" by Dava Sobel, another of the books given to me by Asha aunty...

Bottomline : When you get stuck in your life, try to make a move than wait and ponder ...

Today's fortune: Study as if you were to live forever. Live as if you were to die tomorrow

Wednesday 28th Jan 2009 7:45 pm @Paradise Lost



ooooOh....I love my life! Oh yea yes..It is punctured by disasters, very often...but still can't help it yaar! If you could see me now, you will see me smiling widely... Oh YES! YES!!!!


I talked to JC yesterday !!!!! It means a lot to me. A person I have kind of fantasized when I was 15 years old. And now, I am 20. Years have passed..........5 years back I even sat beside him for a mid term exam series (9th standard), and we never spoke......It took 5 years after we met to merely speak to each other. OH WOW! I spoke to him....yes yes! Well, he is easy to talk to....:)


And I talked to Sumi Chechi today. Can u believe it??? I am going to have a sister finallyy!!!!! Unnichettan's marriage got officially fixed on 24th jan , Saturday.....few days after he saw Sumi C(that was on 18th sunday) . UC went back on 24th midnight, and as soon as he reached there was inflicted with fever.

Papa explains how he got his fever as thus: Kunjamma came and gave fever to Amma. Amma kissed UC goodbye, and thus gave it to him too....:))) Papa told so to Sumi C.

She is ssoooooooooo soft spoken.... her voice is like a fragile glass, a delicate and precious flower. We exchanged our phone numbers. Hers is also bsnl no:. I send a msg "halo Chechi". and she sent back " Gud evening take care"....yeah, thats pretty lame...but its our first...there will obviously be a lot of flaws , and hesitations...Gos, oh my dear God, I hope for the best for Sumi in our family..I want to love her, as my sister...you know, be myself with her....I hope for the best!!

UC will get married on 17th May 2009.



Bottomline: Life is beautiful....like a rose. All you need to do is be careful about ihow you look at it, prefer to see the beauty and avoid the thorns . Thank You God!