Today's fortune: Our strength grows out of our weaknesses

Wednesday , 30th September 2009 , 7:40 pm , Paradise Lost


A dastard is stalking me...and the result being that I hate 'myself'......I havent done anything wrong....except get angry with that guy, and i have all rights to be! But I had no right to lose my temper like I did today....n flare at my friends.....They might have provoked me...but how is it thier fault...how could they have known that I was about to burst??

I broke a test tube today. I picked up the pieces with equal calm. Thay dumb guy being our 'sir' came over to ask what happened and Sandeep duly answered. And he hust choried me. I dont mind anything that Sandeep says...it just that I was so fed up with reading all the crap mails...and wanted to thrash that "sir" so much...that even a mere mention had me boiling...Then , I said something similar about him....to whoever that was there..Sandeep was like "Okay...what happened?"...But Yedhu came..he knows everything....maybe he doesnt know how much disturbed I am...I dont blame him...why should he kno...he is this "sir's " frnd know!! ....He smiled his mocking smile.....maybe he didnt mean it to be mocking....but it hurt..I felt like....Wow...what friends I have...real cooperative"....And then he said something...I dont even remember..and I all I remember is my eyes started tearing..anger gripped me from head to toe that I started shivering...and I wanted to vent it out somehwr...all the anger and hatred and disgust...that I took a piece of glass from among the broken test tube and broke it by squeexing it with my hand....Well, I inflicted cuts in my hand..one of which is a bit deep, and bled a lot. To repay for my short temper...to repay for "my" faults..... I was just venting my sadness Lord! I know I am self inflincting...but I've never been so much. That man is ruining my peace....I missed Priyamvada sooo much. There was nobody who understood me...no body!!! I felt so alone...n sooo sad...and still do!!!

Mercy on me God..pls have mercy on me..
I am a lunatic..I am not fit to be wandering out...I feel wretched ...i feel bleak...I feel lost

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

Saturday , 19th September 2009, 10:15 pm, Paradise Lost

"""Practise compassion""" ...all the way through! Today, Nishant asked me to name the person I hate in Celos. I was ready with an answer...but stopped at the nick of time and asked "In Celos or ISP?". He said , " I know whom you hate in ISP, just name in Celos". I tried , I cound't get anybody....I get slights from people , and have grudges as well...but nothing has been longlasting. I am pleasant with everybody..and according to me that's my drawback.I am friendly but don't excatly get them as friends. As to why that should bother me when I have a good no: of genuine frnds I don't kno! Guess it is my immaturity! So, anyways, Nishant found that as a problem with me ...I even like Abhishek!!! heheh(But then, I do totally like him) And , when Nishant told all this, I did get the effect of being complimented. :) Dear God, its been ages since I've talked to you properly, and this is totally out of the blue.....but I want to tell you "Thank You". I might after all find some hope regarding myself, instead of the introvert , hopeless and incapable thing I consider myself to be!!!

Perhaps God, I will be able to clear the GRE! Perhaps I will get admission in US. Perhaps, even in Cornell, in Gaeta's Lab. God, it all seem a luxury to be even thinking so..and something regarding so much hard work in so little time. But God, it is so possible isn't it..You will help me!

Today, Pappa and I had a long talk. Pappa saw the movie Kurukshetra today. And the talk started during supper time , when he started telling me the parts of the story he liked best. (I didnt see..I was upstairs, lidtening to Chiggy-wiggy from blue instead of studying ...). About the reality protrayed in the movie. About death. About realities in life in general.......he found one of the songs to be heat wrenching...the context being , a wife who comes to the loc to join her husband has to do as the first duty of hers, to sign his death certificate. I asked Pappa if he cried. he admitted to crying. I respect him :) But then , we never had to hide that much.

Oh God , how much you have raised my Pappa from what he used to be. How much you have looked after all of us, I am soo thankful. Uc and Sumi C in CAL, Mc in Hong Kong, Amma visiting Switzerland....and all of us happy as can be! At peace! What more cam we ask. Thank you sooo much.

Tomorrow is Sou's kalyana nishchayam. I am also going with Pappa to Kizhakambalam. All best wishes to Sou and Mr Sou.