Vega of the Lyre

"I can't find the words to tell you what I'm feeling"...Ronan Keating

I feel wretched. Today, I finished "Emily's Quest"...I lived her part over and over again at the rejection and humiliation. I feel very miserable now! I must be crazy! But its true.....Its like this..."love" in my life was one of my most cherished dreams......I always feel I have no ambition or aim in my life...if I had anything remotely close to an aim..it is I want to get married to a man I love and who loves me( the latter part complementing the former seems impossible now)..I want to have a family...

I belive in love..I envy Du n Rpr...I am so sure of thier love amidst all thier fights...I can feel it, and it is beautiful...

But what is happening to me is stifling me...making me deviod of any hope ....making me bitter at life..making me to want to feel like rock,unfeeling....making me bad! And I sit here, crying my eyes out over this trifling thing...but its like my heart is broken...to pieces....I guess am well off being alone.

Sorry for letting myself down God...I might recooperate.....I dunno..

Sorry for having less faith in you....sometimes the going gets tough..and I am sorry..I am not very tought either ...

Today's fortune: The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think

Friday, 29th Oct 09, Paradise Lost, 9:30 am

I am a fool. . .

You know I get depressed fast. I havent slipped into that tendency for a long time now....which I consider to be incredible! But helloooo who am I kidding..I lost my nerve yesterday. Outwardly I was doing great...but you know about "squirming within"..Its not a good feeling.

Just because the wrong guy stalks me , does that mean I am darn hopeless?? I certaintly feel so. Joph liking me boosted my morale so wonderfully..I felt on could No: 9 . I felt honoured. But this !!! God, I know I am not pretty..but I thought above that perhaps my personality will stand out ( as if that is gr8) ..anyway, this is horrible...that guy is dogged.......What he's doing makes me feel like I am a failure... a miserable failure....whatever confidence I had in myself( you know how scarce it is!) is waning drastically...

On top of that, I think I in turn stalk others....but just in the background. To compensate for the ill effects in life, I reciprocate in the same way to others. That's why I feel myself to be an utter foooool......abt Thom...I am a fool. I was reading Emily's quest yesterday...and with her I lived the rejection ...Its ..i dunno how to explain..it makes your heart heavy..It makes me cry out 'why'?

hmm...I think this feeling will pass , like always...its in the nature of ppl to do so, right? I am no different......

I lift my eyes to the sky.....

Where does my help come from...

I see the beauty reflected high up...

and enjoy the serenity that then prevails..

The salt of life!!!

I came to write my heart out......well, it all depends where my thoughts take me ...

Yesterday was the last proper day at celos. I don't know what to feel. We all feel ok on the surface...it still the laughs and enjoyment that predominates. Yesterday, we stayed on till 5:45...well, I had to leave then for rosary at church. But the thing is, what I felt was that I didn't want to leave. I wanted it to last. We weren't especially enjoying it very much or anything. But there is a comradeship in just staying together.

On my way back, I was remembering each n everyone in my class.. how the 20 of us came close enough to be close. I may not be as close as some, but I do have my share of involvement in things....and its wonderful...a heady feeling.

John, ( us slang . lavatory hehe ) well, he's one in a million. I would say he is the one person who has changed tremendously over the 5 years. From , what I thought as nothing, he rose to a height of acceptance that is unbelievavble...and he doesn't take any crap from anyone. Totally awesome! And yesterday, he was posed with a marigold to give to Nisha...only she never turned up! And yesterday, for the first time, and on the last day, he came adorned in mundu....he sayd it as his " look"...And we had a photo session , where he wanted his mundu's kara to make an appearence...and what else,oh yea.........avan mundu pokki kanichu athrea..in hostel.....whtever!!! What I'd like to remember the best...is the transformation in his face..if u smile at him unwaveringly...coz u see....he starts with a mockery and contempt on his face...but it is transformed slowly into a real smile , a genuine smile. That's what I like the best about him. And he's got a nicee smile :D.